On Mother’s Day

I am grateful to be left alone.  I want to sleep in and to have some time to myself, time to find my own trajectory.  I find this holiday over-wrought and romanticised, much like other people find Valentine’s day.  I am immediately confronted by the obvious fact that I do not, and cannot, live up to the standard set by greeting cards and Time magazine covers.  Hell, I can hardly live up to the standards set at parent pick-up and at the playground.  But these are things we seem to not be allowed to say in the company of other parents, or non-parents, or parents who have lost children.  Somehow my honesty about the entire emotional spectrum of motherhood immediately invokes looks of “you shouldn’t say that.”  Why?  Don’t we all feel these things at one time or another, even while we love our children?   Do the platitudes of “time goes by so fast” and “don’t take it for granted” automatically negate the truth of our immediate experience as parents?  Isn’t it possible to enjoy your child, be fully present with them, and also be fully present with yourself, and your emotions, and the ups and downs of real life.  I think perhaps in our struggle to always “stay positive” we are doing a great disservice to our own humanity.  My daughter will see me struggling with life and emotions.  My daughter will see me as human, not as some goddess.  And that might enable her to have more compassion for her own humanity…I hope.  My mothers are not goddesses, they are human. Perhaps it is time we learn to see that as beautiful, grit and all.  Acceptance in this very moment, whatever that brings, to give it and receive it, that is what I want this Mother’s Day.

~ by April on May 13, 2012.

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