Poltergeist Advice

Everything I need to know about parenting,

I learned from watching Poltergeist.

When you are thinking of buying or building a house, perhaps just do a tiny bit of research on the history of the area first.

Falling asleep in front of the TV never leads to anything good.

Be grateful that there is no longer an end to the broadcast day.

When your child tells you someone “is here,” ask them “who?”

A pet dying while your child is at home is a pain in the ass, and rarely predicts anything great to follow.

Never take parenting so seriously that you can’t laugh when your child curses, but still make an effort to correct them even while you are giggling.

Be proud of your teenage daughter for standing up for herself, even if she has to be offensive to do it, especially so.

Take some time at the end of the day to chat, flirt, and “relax” with your spouse.

If your house violently shakes in the middle of the night, perhaps confirm with others that it was, in fact, an earthquake.

If your child is watching a TV channel without a broadcast, be slightly concerned.

Trust your dog when he barks at “nothing.”

Pizza Hut is always a good idea.

Trees WILL NOT, in fact, protect your home or your family.

It may actually be possible for your child to move through your soul…but beware of what might follow.

Know each of your children and what they can and cannot handle.

Threatening to spank your child,without actually having to do it, just might work.

Be willing to follow your child anywhere, to bring them home safely.

Do not necessarily trust someone when they say they “won’t let go,” but be brave enough to go alone anyway.

Never trust a stuffed clown. (A good rule to follow in general.)

The house is NEVER completely clean.

Never let yourself completely relax in the bathtub, when your young children are at home.

The hallway is always longest when your child is in danger, but keep running and you will get there.

When all else fails ask for help, scream for it if you have to.

Pick your battles.  Perhaps driving away from certain danger is more important than yelling at your daughter for the hickey on her neck.

— by me, April Resnick


This is a bit of a departure from my usual creative writing.  But something I was thinking about today: parenting, pets dying, and Poltergeist.  My mother took me to see the movie when it first came out.  I was 7 years old, and somehow it has stayed with me, for better and worse, all of my life.

~ by April on June 14, 2013.

2 Responses to “Poltergeist Advice”

  1. What a delightful, creative, inventive, and witty mind you have

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