sometimesihatemycat

I am sad, no
I am depressed
There is no good reason
So don’t bother asking
I have not had any “major life event”
And clearly I have many things to cheer me
I was simply and suddenly one day covered
Smothered by this heavy wet wool blanket of blah
I carry it around with me, every place, everyday
Invisible to all of you, to everyone
Unless you look close enough, and stay
Long enough to see my shoulders
Slightly strained beneath the weight
My gait slightly buckled and shuffling
The tiny muscles in my face pulled awkward
By the force it takes to look effortless
To smile, to laugh, to please, to make light
All while I am silently squeezed dark, invisible
As this wretched thing wraps itself tight
Keeping me disconnected from the world
Even while I stand next to you, a pleasant girl
I feel nothing but stagnant stale of scratch and breath
Occasionally a bit of music will help me to forget
I may even dance in an effort to shake this off
But the blanket remains, and maybe I dance anyway
Reaching for reality, hoping for some bit of joy
To find its way between these gray folds of fabrication
And maybe it does for a moment, muffled hesitation
But who can dance for long with such a heavy
Dead weight for a waltzing partner
Please, do not throw aphoristic advice my way
Well meaning, sure, but words will not help me shred these layers
Only stop, still, sit with me for a while
Perhaps pick up a cornered edge of this shroud
Hold it tattered in your hand, hold it with me where I am
Feel it for a moment, itchy on our skin
Smell the sodden sickly scent that leads us from within
Make some effort to speak this thing out loud
Make it simply okay
Because you are here with me
Uncomfortable as I am but willing to stay
That is all
If you cannot do that then walk away
I cannot now carry both of us around
Go, I do not have the strength
I’ll stay bundled up till spring
The snow is coming anyway

–A.R.

Because I have been depressed, perhaps coming out of it, I am not sure.

But I am sure that others have felt, are feeling this too.  And so I wrote…

Posted in Body, Family, Humanity, Identity, Loss, Marriage, Poetry
Tags: Body, Depression, Disconnection, friendship, Listen, Mind, poetry, Winter