None of us are alone
Except that we all are.
There is no connection
without expectation.
No expectation
without disappointment.
No disappointment
without self-pity.
No self-pity
without comparison.
No comparison
without self.
All of us are alone
Except none of us allow it.
Can I allow it?
no connection
no expectation
no disappointment
no self-pity
no comparison
no self
no need…
The rise and fall of cicadas’ screaming
August breathing
A slower cadence than my own
Reminding me to sit, to sink
Trust the process as it unfolds
Its own schedule knowing
My shoulders can bear the work when it is time.
(for Papa)
Of planning
Of list making
Of packing
And re-packing
Of travel
Of wine
Of family
And new friends
And laughing together
Of being a visitor
Of walking
And resting to eat
Of Band-Aids
Of ointment
Of hot showers
Of a quiet city
Of a friendly new dog
Of a boyfriend jacket
On a cool summer evening
Of being driven
Of my own room
Of learning
Of touch
Of being vulnerable
While others are vulnerable too
Of Zazen
Of ritual
Of old buildings
Of schedule
Of fresh vegetables
And eating them on schedule
Of being given work
Of completing work
Of a community
With similar intentions
Of early mornings before sunrise
Of hot coffee
Of silence
Of naps
Of hot showers (still)
Of an early bedtime
And exhaustion bringing sleep
Of rosehip tea
Of fresh bread
Of homemade jam
Of being “disonnected”
Of making new connections
And feeling it when saying goodbye
Of good wine
Of traveling home
Of a good book
Of familiar music
Of stories about shared humanity
Of landing safely
And not being afraid
Of taking a break
Of the break being over
Of home
Of husband
And “I missed you” sex
Of daughter
Of giggling
Of my own bed
Of sleeping in
Of hugging my big pup
While he wags his tail
Of routine
Of gratitude
Of patience
Of my own meditation practice
And newly realized confidence.
…on a Zen Retreat and was in California for a couple of weeks. I meant to let everyone know before I left and…well…just didn’t get around to it. So, for anyone who was wondering why all was silent on the blog, that is why. But I am back now and ready to jump back into daily life and writing.
The sour stench of a dead skunk
Rotting in the road
An invisible cloud
That hovers, seeps, and smacks.
The warm and pressured wholeness
When my child cuddles
In early morning light
Tiny feet she intertwines with mine.
Things that linger carry lessons
Both pushed away and longed for
Can I be still and learn to linger
And breathe it all in deeply?
Happen regularly
In this empty cell
Prior to consciousness
Often involving
Seeking
Bargains or comfort
With children
“May you be safer than I,
if I can manage it.”
With myself
“May I be absolved
by my daily duties,
keeping the surfaces clean.”
With a God
As I drift
“May you grant
peace or grace,
because
complete belief
is one infraction
I cannot commit.”
Somewhere between striving and desire
There I sit
Or stand
Or flip
Or dance
There is no life without passion
I don’t care what Jesus, or Buddha, or the Pope dictates.
I am devoted to living my life
On that tightrope, in the sweet spot
Balancing and slightly sinking
Between chaos and structure
There you will find me
Waving my arms just enough
Controlling my quivering guts
Slightly pedaling back and forth
Full of fear, and lust, and life!
There is no other choice now
I am committed…
…until the law of gravity prevails. 
Oh the usual mundane decorations
A desk, a chair, a writing tablet
Dust, papers, and a ticking clock
Me…a particle, empty pulp, and passing
I have insisted that it travel with me
Snapshots of captured moments cry out
Piles of tasks wait for attention
Shelves of guidebooks whisper
A charm of luck tipped on its side
An elephant with beads too heavy
A silent box of stained cherry
That grinds of masquerades when opened
A stolen emblem from my first taste of freedom
One of the few parts left untouched in the wreckage
The smooth lime radio that must warm up to be heard
It crackles, hums, and echoes
The images that remind of me
Have no faces
I have never noticed that before
Father, brother, husband, daughter…they all have faces
A memory, a reminder, a revelation
Books on healing, awakening, and death
A stapler and its nemesis on different shelves
Permanent and dry erase markers dangerously commingle
How long has that drawer been open?
Cat Litter Increases Risk of Anger, Depression, and Suicide
Frozen ash brown rabbit on emaciated legs
A single strand of web
Angled from tree to porch
Holding a lone drop glistening
Like the eyes of that still wild thing
It crosses between us
In the night, a mythic force field preserving courage
My husband lied about the fallen baby birds
Until I found their mother the next day
fallen
thrown
jumped
Onto the concrete below
Very near where her babies landed with necks askew
Is it possible to understand a rabbit, a web, a mother bird?
I imagine that I can…
sometimesihatemycat 