sometimesihatemycat

For the last week or so, I seem to have the sense that something is not right.  Almost an impending feeling of something that is just about to go wrong.  I find myself annoyed and quite melancholy.  When I feel this way, usually I just meditate, feel it, spend a little time trying to figure out if it is a state of mind, and then I just go about my life with it.  I tell myself that it will be here until it is not and that is about all I can do.  But yesterday I saw a segment on an early morning talk show about “Changing your bad mood.”  The basic premise was that we always have the ability to change our moods, and if we don’t…then “fake it.”  Really?  I am not very good at faking anything, but even if I was…is that really the answer.  I heard words like selfish, arrogant, and self-centered to describe someone who does not choose to “fake it.”  Are we really that fragile of a society that we cannot tolerate the normal human vacillations of mood?  Must we walk around like Stepford wives, just to keep everyone comfortable?  I refuse to believe that we are not capable of some compassion, EMPATHY in fact, towards others who are experiencing a mood that we ourselves must be all to familiar with.  Why are we told over and over to pretend?  I am not saying that I would deliberately harm someone just because I am in a bad mood, but neither would I choose to suppress it or dissociate from it.  I am cranky.  So what?  I choose to believe that those around me actually have the ability to understand, relate, and let it be.  Perhaps it is because it is easier to tell others to change (fake it) than to ask ourselves to make an adjustment (extending a bit of human empathy.)  Isn’t it just much easier to judge someone else, tell ourselves we would never feel that way, and move on?  Easier, perhaps…but at what cost?

So for now…I will just be melancholy.  If I figure out a good reason why, perhaps I can work with it.  If not, I will just be with it until it passes.  That is not selfish, or arrogant, THAT is human. I am comfortable just letting myself be a human being, and feel a human emotion, for now.  And I will make an attempt, when I encounter others in a bad mood, to remember feeling this way and extend a little bit of understanding their way.

Posted in Meditation, Ramblings & Observations

I was recently asked a question.  What does “human liberation” mean to me?  Well, I am not sure I am quite qualified to answer for all humans…but perhaps by exploring what liberation means for me, other people may find something familiar. Of course there are cultural, and geopolitical implication of this question as well.  Let me be clear, that in this particular rambling I am strictly speaking to my own liberation and not particularly expanding it out that far, although that is a wonderful conversation to be had.  Maybe in another post.

For me, liberation (or the end of “suffering” in some dialogue) comes down to expectations. Is it possible to NOT have them, or at least to turn down the volume of those expectations enough to just live life without paying too much attention to them?  For me, YES!  That is when I feel the most personal freedom.  That is when I feel most engaged with life,and not just the joyful and “happy” parts, but the boring and difficult parts as well.  Expectation naturally brings with it fear and disappointment (what I call suffering.)  As soon as I find myself having an expectation, and paying too much attention to it, counting on it as fact, I pretty soon am hit by the fact that now I have become invested in an outcome that is by no means certain. Enter fear, and soon disappointment. I am also talking about the expectation that a past occurrence can somehow be changed.  For me, letting the past have its say and then letting go of the expectation that it will be any different from what it was, has been quite liberating as well.

If one believes in impermanence, and I must say based on my life experience every freakin’ day I DO, then how can expectations bring anything but suffering?  And I am talking about the little expectations (I will make it to a party tonight) and the big expectations (I will be successful, or I will not make mistakes.)  All of them, if given full weight, become laden with the idea that somehow we are in complete control.  There is no escape from that illusion without discomfort.  The discomfort of realizing that anything can happen at anytime.  End of story.  For me that is an ultimate truth that I can no longer ignore.  And THAT has been liberating for me, or at least there have been moments of liberation.  That liberation feels a bit like just being present with life, not checking out or dissociating, but really dealing with what is in front of me without the extra drama I could be piling on top. Believe it or not less expectation = less drama = more engagement with those around me, where they ARE not where I want them to be.  Just ask my husband, he would quite agree with that assessment.  😉

This blog has been an ultimate test of expectations.  I attempt every single day to just write, without any expectation.  It is the act of writing that has been the goal here, not the expectation of anything coming from it.  Even the goal of writing is quite tested on the days that I simply cannot, due to that crazy “impermanence” thing that happens in life.

So everyday, practically every hour, I am faced with my own expectations about things, big and small.  And I have a choice, buy into them or just let them be.  I do not think that I can necessarily escape my brain, my own human form.  I do not consider THAT to be liberation.  But, for now,  I can pay attention to what my brain is doing, and what expectations I am employing to make myself feel safe.  I can try to let those expectations be, without investing too much in them.  And in those moments that I am able to do that, I find myself just paying attention to what is going on around me.  THAT feels like liberation to me, in my humble experience.  Of course, this said knowing full well that all of that crap may change by this time tomorrow.  🙂

Posted in Meditation, Ramblings & Observations